also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
