why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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