I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
