He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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