What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am one with the molecules
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
