god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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