woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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