It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
