I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
