I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
