And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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