I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
