I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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