Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
