She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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