I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
