I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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