Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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