we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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