cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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