4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
