I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
