Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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