Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
