ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize