So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
