I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
