i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
