i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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