I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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