So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
