glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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