I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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