I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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