We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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