I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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