with your own penis?
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
