my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
