I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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