Where is the hickey?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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