dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
