Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My life is pants optional.
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