I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
