just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
