Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
