do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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