I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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