You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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