i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
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