i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
