I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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