note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
