the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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