I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
