I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
