I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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