dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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