to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
