I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
