I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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