seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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