my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
